Ground Rules for the Separated or Divorced and Dating: Introducing a New Partner to Your Children
Karla has been divorced for two years. She has been dating Ethan for eight months and wonders if she should introduce him to her three children. Are there any “rules” for dating with children?
Marina Sbrochi’s article Dating with Kids: 5 Ground Rules For Introducing Your New Partner To Your Kids recommends that Karla wait at least six months before even thinking about introducing Ethan to her children. Why wait? Ms. Sbrochi suggests that it takes at least six months before you really begin to know someone. Karla’s children do not need to become attached to a man who may not remain in her life.
Karla believes her relationship with Ethan is serious. What ground rules should she follow when she introduces him to her three children?
1. No Expectations. What does this mean? Do not force the relationship. Have the meeting be casual and let everyone get to know each other.
2. Group Setting. Karla should introduce Ethan as a friend. She can plan a small get together with other people her children know so the meeting does not feel forced. Karla should plan at least five group meetings so the children can get to know Ethan in a relaxed atmosphere without any pressure. Karla and Ethan should refrain from showing affection. For now, he is just a friend.
3. Go Slowly. While Karla and Ethan have known each other for 8 months, the children have just met him. It is important for Karla to take her time and follow the cues of her children. Karla should talk to them if they seem unhappy or angry.
4. One Mom, One Dad. Karla’s children may worry that Ethan will replace their father. It is important that Karla reassure the children that they will only have one mom and one dad.
5. Rules for the New Family. Merging families can be complicated. Karla and Ethan need to discuss expectations, discipline, money, education, and any other issues that may affect them. If and when can Karla update her Facebook status to “in a relationship” and post pictures of herself and Ethan together as a couple? At Hess Family Law, we recommend that Karla use caution when posting information about her personal life on any social media sites. Even though Karla has been divorced for two years, custody issues can always be modified. While Karla and her ex-husband may have a good relationship, situations can change. If Karla believes that updating her status will not be a problem, she should certainly wait until her children have been introduced to Ethan and understand that he is more than just a friend.
Can You and Your Spouse Divorce and Still Run a Business Together?
What happens when a couple decides to divorce and they own a business together? Typically, one party buys the other party out of the business and the bought out party leaves the business immediately, or they stay on as an employee for a short period of time while they transition to new employment and/or new employees can be trained to take over the bought out spouse’s role in the business. However, can a couple continue to run a business even though they are no longer husband and wife? Some would say, no, one party should step aside. Bryan Borzykowski, in his article “When Couples Divorce But Still Run the Business Together” published in the New York Times New York edition and on NewYorkTimes.com, suggests it can be done, but not without effort from both parties.
You may be wondering how can you continue to run a business with someone you are divorcing? Not everyone’s situation will allow for a continued business relationship even though their personal relationship has failed. But, if you are considering continuing your business relationship there are a few issues that must be addressed.
First, you must have respect for one another. Without mutual respect, the business relationship will not succeed. Even if you are angry with your spouse you can make the business relationship work if you have trust and respect.
Second, it is important to communicate clearly and do what you each agree to do for the business. A therapist can assist in working out problems when communication becomes difficult.
Third, sign a Business Agreement. Often, married business partners do not have a written shareholders agreement. It is essential to have an agreement that sets out the details of your business arrangement including what happens when one partner wants to leave or sell the business.
Finally, you must assure your employees that you both are committed to working together. Often times, employees take sides when a marriage disintegrates. If you are going to continue your business relationship and have it work, it is important to tell your employees together that although your marriage is ending, the business will continue as usual. Being upfront with your employees will alleviate rumors and reinforce job security.
Study Finds Children of Divorce Much Better Off When Parent’s Find Ways to Co-Parent and Maintain Civility.
Are you wondering how you can help your children during and after divorce? Robert Hughes, Jr.’s blog post discusses this very topic. A study has found that children of divorce fare better when their parents learn to co-parent and maintain civility when dealing with each other. Continued conflict creates damaging stress and interferes with a child’s ability to learn how to manage their own emotions.
At Hess Family Law, we recommend that you have an agreement or court order that provides specifics in an effort to eliminate future conflict so that you and your spouse can develop positive interactions in the future rather than arguing over items that could have been resolved. For example, your agreement or order should include visitation dates, times and other important details. We understand that sometimes clients want flexibility and life often requires it. If you and your spouse or former spouse are co-parenting and maintaining civility, you can always choose to agree for a particular visitation to change the pick-up date, time, or location. The benefit of having specifics in your agreement is that it provides a default plan if you cannot agree to do something different, and therefore lessens the need to argue.
There are many resources available to parents who are divorcing, such as therapists and mediators, who can help with communication and problem solving. Parenting plans can be drafted to address specific concerns and allow both parents to be involved in their children’s lives. A new resource developed by Sesame Workshop called “Little Children Big Challenges:Divorce,” provides a series of activities both online and offline for parents and children. The website is designed to help children ages 2-8 understand their parent’s divorce and provides parents advice on how to talk to their children about divorce in an age appropriate manner.
Cara and Sam share custody of their two children, Molly, 12 and Alex, 7. Lately, Cara and Sam cannot agree on anything. Conversations always end with harsh words, many times in front of the children. Cara and Sam realize there has to be a better way to exchange information but they are not sure where to begin.
Communication between separated or divorced parents can be difficult, even if the split was amicable, and for those whose break-up was acrimonious, communicating can be impossible. However, despite how much you may never want to speak to your spouse or ex-spouse again, if you have children, communication is inevitable.
Pamela Paul, author of the New York Times article, Kramer.com vs. Kramer.com, suggests that handling communication through email and text messages helps reduce emotional exchanges between parents. It is “joint custody-at a distance”. Parents who are having trouble communicating can use email to schedule pick-ups, drop offs, and daycare when children are sick. If a parent is running late, a quick text message can alert the other parent without arguments or harsh words.
While email may solve communication problems in some cases it can also make them worse. Email can be used as a weapon against the other parent. It is easy for an angry spouse or ex-spouse to use email to attack and criticize which can result in a never ending string of emails. One solution is to use a “form” email which only includes basic details such as where and when for visitation. Adding more information opens the door for continuous dialogue.
Divorced or separated parents may also find that they are receiving many email messages a day. If this happens, you can set up a system where you respond to all non-emergency emails in one email response on a set day of the week each and every week. Let the other parent know that this is how you will be handling non-emergency email so they do not think you are ignoring them or wonder if you received the email.
Another tool Cara and Sam can use to keep organized is an online shared calendar, such as Google calendar. Cara and Sam can add each of the children’s activities, school events, birthday parties, etc. so both parents have access to the information without having to verbally communicate. Cara and Sam can also allow their pre-teen Molly to access the schedule so she can confirm whose house she will be at on any given date.
As many divorced or separated parents know, technology is not without its faults. Email and text messages can often be misinterpreted and many times humor, irony, or sarcasm can get lost. Emails can be ignored just like phone messages. When discussions, negotiations, and/or arguments are done via email or text messaging, they create a permanent record that could be used in future litigation. So, what is a parent to do? If you cannot verbally communicate, it is better to use email and text messaging then to not communicate at all. Never send an email or text message in the heat of an argument. Write the message but do not send it until you have had a chance to cool off. Then, reread the message and ask yourself if it is something you would want a judge to read. If so, go ahead and send the message. If not, rewrite your response before pressing send. While technology has its draw backs, if used properly, it can make managing children in two households a lot easier.
Will Divorce Affect My Homeowner’s Insurance?
Mary and David recently separated and David is living in an apartment. Mary wonders if she can change the joint home owner’s insurance policy to her name only. Since the home owner’s policy is in both parties names, it cannot be changed without David’s consent. Prior to the divorce David might have limited coverage under the home owner’s policy for the items he took to his new residence, but he needs to consider renter’s insurance. Mary is considering changing the locks and the alarm code for the marital home. Before she does this, she should consult with her attorney to discuss the pros and cons of taking this action.
One year later Mary and David divorce. As part of their settlement agreement, Mary kept the house and David remains in the apartment that is nearby so he can be close to their three children. The couple agreed that David would take ½ of the artwork and antiques, as well as one of the computers. David also took his jewelry, including a Rolex watch and diamond cuff links. Mary and David wonder what they need to do with regard to the homeowner’s insurance policy.
Mary needs to contact the insurance company and determine whether she is listed on the policy. If not, she needs to obtain insurance in her name. If the policy is in both their names, she needs to advise the insurance company that David is no longer an owner of the home. Mary needs to review her personal property limits too. Since David kept many of their joint assets, Mary may be able to save money by reducing her personal property coverage. Changing the locks and updating or adding a security system may make her eligible for a discount. Also, if Mary refinances the home she needs to provide the mortgage lender with any updated insurance information
Now that David is living in an apartment, he may believe there is no need for home owner’s insurance. However, David needs to obtain renter’s insurance. Since David kept ½ of the artwork and antiques and owns other valuable personal property, he will need to make sure his personal property is insured.
Automobile Insurance and Divorce:
Susan and John have been separated for a few months. They have agreed that they will each keep the vehicle they regularly drive. Susan wonders what will happen to the automobile insurance once they are divorced. Will one of them need to obtain a new policy? Can John remove her from the policy without her knowledge or consent? What about their teenage son? Who will pay for his insurance? Many recently separated or newly divorced couples have similar questions. Below are some tips for separating your automobile insurance policy.
If you and your spouse have joint insurance, that is you are both named as insureds on a policy, the insurance company should not delete one of you from the insurance plan, or change the insurance without consent from both of the insureds. To be sure, you may want to call your insurance broker or insurance company to find out their policy.
When you applied for your insurance you informed the insurance company where the automobiles would be primarily garaged, and the average driving distance to work. If you and your spouse are living separate and apart it is more likely than not that there is a change in either the garage location and/or the distance to work. You may want to update your policy information although this could result in a change in the premiums.
If your separation will be for an extended time, you may want to consider separating your insurance policies prior to your divorce. From a liability standpoint this could be for the best since you could each be held responsible for each other’s liability in the event of an accident while you are both covered on the same insurance policy.
After the divorce, you should get separate car insurance. If you stay with the same company, you should be able to keep any credits you have for being a safe driver or loyal customer even though you are applying for a new policy. To obtain the best rates, make sure you compare auto insurance quotes. Your current insurance company may not give you the best rates after a change in marital status even after any safe driver or loyal customer credits.
Typically, insurance coverage for teens is expensive since teens have not had time to develop a good driving record. Additionally, males under the age of 26 typically have higher rates than females of the same age. Usually the easiest and least expensive way for a teen to obtain auto insurance is for a parent to add the teen to their policy. A parent can add a teen to their policy by listing them as a driver, or, if the teen has his/her own vehicle and the parent is also on the title of the teen’s vehicle, then the teen’s vehicle can be added to the parent’s policy. Either way, a parent’s rates will increase. Usually, if a child resides more frequently with one parent then the child should be covered by the insurance policy of that parent. If the child is spending a lot of time with both parents and uses both parent’s cars rather than the teen’s own car, then it might be wise to have the teen insured on both parent’s insurance. If possible, you should consider whether the expense to cover your teen will be shared, and if so equally, or if one parent will pay the premium. If the cost of insurance for a teen is a new expense, and child support is calculated as an “above guidelines case”, meaning the parents combined income is $15,000 gross per month or more, then a child support modification might be appropriate.
Surviving the Holidays Part III: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, and New Years
The Winter holidays; Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Diwali and New Years, can be very difficult, especially if you are newly separated or divorced. The thought of celebrating the holidays may seem impossible and even depressing, especially if your children will not be with you. Your first instinct may be to isolate yourself from friends and family, but you should try to embrace the holidays as best you can. Accept invitations to parties, or plan your own holiday party. If you are feeling overwhelmed, set limits so friends and family know what you are capable of doing during the holiday season.
In his article, Your First Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa since Divorce, Brian Galbraith lists ten things you can do to make your holiday special. Below are the top five, with suggestions on how you can implement them. To read the full article, click here.
1. Ensure your schedule is specific: If you have children and you have not addressed the holidays with your former spouse or soon to be ex-spouse, now is a good time to begin discussing a holidayIf you already have an Agreement or Court Order, you should review the holiday schedule to make sure you know when the children will be with you and if details need to be worked out, resolve them now rather than later when the stress of the holiday season can make negotiating difficult.
2. Don’t fight over which days you have your children: There are many options for holidayFor those who celebrate Christmas, one option is for one parent to have the children for Christmas Eve and the other parent to have the children Christmas Day. Think about when exchanges will take place taking into consideration what will work best for your children. Because Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Diwali are multiple day holidays, parents often celebrate these holidays when they have the children on their regular access days. However, for some, it is important to have the children on a particular night of the holiday. While you may not be able to have, for example, the first night of the holiday every year, you may agree to alternate. Try to treat your ex-spouse the way you would want to be treated, even if the behavior is not reciprocated.
The specific holidays are not the only issue to think about. Most children are off from school between Christmas and New Years. You should consider who will be with the children during Winter Break. If you typically go out of town to visit relatives, or for vacation, you may need to discuss if this is possible now that their time may be divided between both parents. If neither of you have off from work, childcare is an issue you may need to discuss. If you are having difficulty agreeing on a holiday schedule consider meeting with a divorce mediator or a divorce attorney to assist you with negotiating an amicable resolution.
3. Do something special for yourself: Exercise, yoga, and even meditation are great ways to reduce stress and feel good about yourself during the busy holidayInvite some friends over for dinner or suggest you go out to celebrate the season. Catch up on movies you’ve wanted to see or books you’ve been planning to read.
4. Support your children: Do not speak poorly about the time your children spend with their other If you feel you need to vent, call a friend or your therapist.
5. Create new traditions: Recognize that it may not be possible to maintain your past traditions. If you do not have your children on Christmas Day or the first night of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, it is okay to celebrate on anotherYour children will be happy to be with you, regardless of the calendar date, especially if you plan and schedule your festivities so everyone has something to look forward to. Here are a few ideas for creating new traditions:
a. Plan a holiday movie marathon with popcorn and hot
b. Create a CD or I-pod playlist with holiday music.
c. Have dinner and then drive around to see the holiday lights andYou can visit nearby neighborhoods or go to some of the organized light displays in our area.
d. Attend a Holiday show, such as theThere are so many options in our area to suit any budget.
e. Take your children shopping so they can pick out a gift for their otherYou can also purchase supplies and have the children make a gift for their other parent, as well as grandparents, friends, and other family members.
Remember, anything can be a special event if you keep a positive attitude. The best gift you can give your children and yourself is the gift of peace and joy this holiday season.
Geraldine Hess named in the Washington DC & Baltimore’s Best Lawyers 2013 Edition.
Ms. Hess has been selected by her peers for inclusion in the Washington DC & Baltimore’s Best Lawyers 2013 Edition. Best Lawyers is one of the leading referral guides in the legal profession. The 2013 Best Lawyers List appeared in the Best Lawyers special advertising supplement to the Washington Post on Friday, November 9th, 2012 . Ms. Hess, owner of Hess Family Law, appears on page 24 of that publication.
Surviving the Holidays When You Are Newly Separated or Divorced:
Part II: Thanksgiving
Halloween is over and now your focus turns to Thanksgiving. If you are newly separated or divorced, the thought of changing your Thanksgiving traditions or developing a Thanksgiving custody arrangement can be overwhelming. But it does not have to be. With advanced planning you can resolve issues before they become problems, and rather than dwelling on what used to be, you can focus on creating new traditions.
In her article “Your First Thanksgiving after Your Divorce” Dr. Hecker lists techniques for coping with your first Thanksgiving after divorce. Whether you are newly divorced, just separated, or have been divorced for many years, you may find these tips helpful:
1. Accept your emotions.
2. Don't isolate yourself from others.
3. Make new traditions.
4. Treat your ex with courtesy.
5. Don't put the children in the middle.
6. Give thanks.
If you have children and you do not have an Agreement or Court Order regarding when you will spend time with your children during the Thanksgiving weekend, now is the time to resolve this with your ex-spouse or newly separated spouse. If you are unable to reach a resolution on your own you may want to contact a divorce mediator or divorce attorney for assistance.
There are many different scenarios that can be arranged to make the weekend work for you and your family. For example, one parent might have the children at the beginning of the day for an early Thanksgiving meal and the other parent would have the children late in the day for an evening Thanksgiving meal. Another option is for one parent to celebrate with the children on Thanksgiving Day and for the other parent to celebrate with the children on the Friday after Thanksgiving.
Many newly divorced or separated parents do not have young children; however family gatherings continue after the children turn 18. If both you and your ex-spouse or newly separated spouse are invited to spend Thanksgiving with one of your adult children, it is important to set ground rules. If there are certain topics that will cause stress or tension, agree to avoid those topics. Be respectful of one another and focus on your children and/or grandchildren rather than your former spouse. If you do not think you can cope with celebrating the holiday together, you can suggest that it might be less stressful if you joined the family for leftovers on Friday. Or, you can agree to rotate which parent spends the holiday with your adult child. Click here to read the full article, Tips for Adult Children of Divorce at Thanksgiving.
Creating new traditions is a great way to focus on the future. Some ideas include having family or friends for the meal, going to a parade, having a turkey picnic, volunteering, or doing something else that interests you and your children. Giving thanks at this time in your life might seem impossible, but now is the perfect time to practice gratitude. Helping those that are less fortunate can lift your spirits and might even spark new traditions. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, participating in a turkey trot, or helping prepare a Thanksgiving meal for the homeless, are just a few ways you can get involved. Click here for a list of volunteer opportunities in the DC Metro area.
Surviving the Holidays When You Are Newly Separated or Divorced:
Part I: Halloween
Halloween marks the beginning of the holiday season. If you are going through a divorce, or already divorced, the holidays may bring additional anxiety. This three part series will provide some tips on surviving the holiday season.
For the separated or divorced parent, holiday time with your children is shared between you and your ex-spouse or separated spouse. Halloween is a difficult holiday to divide between parents for trick or treating because of the limited length of time of the trick or treating event. If going trick or treating together as a family is not an option, the holiday is likely to be alternated between parents each year, or in many families the holiday is not specifically addressed in an Agreement or Judgment and the children are with whichever parent happens to have the children on that day of the week according to the regular access schedule.
Even if you don’t have your children for trick or treating there are many ways to celebrate and create Halloween traditions with your children in the weeks and days leading up to the actual holiday. New Halloween traditions might include an annual trip to the pumpkin patch to pick pumpkins off the vine, apple picking, and/or hosting a pumpkin carving or decorating party that could be just for you and your kids or include friends and family. Some other things you could do include, making a pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds or other holiday treats from scratch, attending a Fall Festival, having a holiday themed movie night, allowing your kids to select the treats you will hand out to neighborhood kids or anything else that interests you and your children that you can share together and do year after year. For some ideas of events happening in the D.C. area click here.
If you have not addressed Halloween with your ex-spouse or separated spouse, now is a good time to figure out a plan. If you think you will need assistance reaching an amicable resolution, you might want to consult a divorce mediator or divorce attorney so you and your children can enjoy Halloween stress free.